


The Heart Investment

by silasfinch



Series: A Tender Heart [5]
Category: Saving Hope (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Family, Gen, Reunions, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2020-09-05 19:56:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20278945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: My sister is pregnant and facing cancer.I shouldn't be on Maggie's doorstep at 2am.I shouldn't be pouring out my heart and problems.She shouldn't be offering up her spare room indefinitely.I shouldn't  accept the offer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [0mniessence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mniessence/gifts).

> Blame this on rewatching S5 and the scenes with Rebecca

_"I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be...yours." _

_Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen _

_"Sometimes one is guided by what they say of themselves, and very frequently by what other people say of them, without giving oneself time to deliberate and judge." Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen _

I shouldn't be here.

Leaving aside my elaborate (if half-formed) plan to court Dr Maggie Lin as openly lesbian; there is nothing fun or sexy about haunting her building at 2 am. The fact that Maggie is a doctor working strange shifts gets me past the apartment security guard (at least I'm not on a blacklist). Apartment complexes that surround hospitals learn to accept shifts, odd hours and concepts of social life.

The doorman doesn't even blink at my pyjamas, messy hair and boots that are slippers in all but name. The fight with my mother and sister would have been infinitely worse if they caught me in public in this shape. I am a fallen and cursed woman already, but at least I can still dress respectfully is one of my mother's few compliments.

My panicked and tired mind is so focused on seeing Maggie that there no energy left for deciding what I am going to say to her. I know her schedule well enough to deduce that she is home this night, but that doesn't mean she isn't entertaining a friend or lover. The mortification of that particular scenario freezes me in place as my parasympathetic nervous system struggles to knock or flee.

Courage deserts me, and all I can envision is explaining myself to a possible lover in wrinkled sheets and a bemused expression. I will ring her in the morning like any sane person and crash at a hotel for two or three hours.

"Has our communication gotten so bad we are resorting to telepathy or osmosis now?

The annoyed shout in the form of whisper stops me in my tracks, and I turn around slowly to see Maggie Lin learning in the doorway. Even my semi photographic memory doesn't prepare me for the reaction to seeing her after so many months. The sight of her still haunts mu soul. An operating table looks so frighting when someone you love is on it. The image of her healthy (if annoyed) brings a silly grin that lights the gloom.

"I'm sorry I didn't have anywhere to go but..."

"You got what you need by staring at my door for the past 15 minutes and were just planning to slink into the night - even with your track record that seems a little drastic" Maggie interrupts archly.

I return her gaze with a helpless shrug as we reach yet another stalemate. I shove my hands in the pockets of my top to resist the urge to fling myself on her mercy. The fact Maggie would offer me penitence is beside the point.

"Can I come in?"

Maggie tugs me by the elbow without saying a word.

***

"Rocky Road or Chocolate?"

I stare blankly at Maggie as she holds up the two flavours with a questioning look. The interrogation or rejection doesn't come. Instead, I am curled up on her couch, exchanging uneasy glances with the cat who distains either humanity in general or me in particular. The ample living space reflects Maggie's style and personality perfectly. Almost subconsciously the part of me that has no right to be jealous looks for signs of another occupant or relationship signals.

"What?" My voice is still rough from extended bounds of crying.

"Well if you are going to turn up here in the middle of the night looking like an escapee from the slumber party from hell, I may as well provide appropriate food."

My stomach is twisting in knots, so the idea of food is vaguely sickening, but Maggie looks so hopeful that I reach for the Rocky Road and smile as she settles down on the couch next to me.

"My sister has Stage 2 Ovarian Cancer and is pregnant again after her 4th miscarriage. Becca is at 14 weeks and on a maintenance dose of chemotherapy, but her latest scans don't look promising. The baby is growing well but unfortunately in all likelihood so is the tumour."

"Oh, Sydney, I am so sorry."

"Hey, at least this is somewhere near my area of expertise. Who knows if I perform a medical miracle, there might be a divine one on the cards, and my family accepts me." my attempt at a joke falls flat and tears shimmer in Maggie's eyes.

"You shouldn't need to search the globe for medical miracles; there is nothing wrong with you. Are you on a banishment clock if Becca gets any worse or if there is a problem with the fetus?" Maggie stabs her chocolate icecream angrily.

"Can you talk me through your study?"

***

"I'm so sorry, Syd."

I feel hollow inside. For all my cautioning not to get our hopes up about the study, it turns out doctors are terrible at taking their own advice. The language on study programmes and publications is always careful, especially in oncology, but I could have read between the lines.

"This isn't anywhere close to your fault. I should have rung you or fund the number for your research officer.". Turning up here and just expanding you to wave a magic wand is the latest in a long line of foolish decisions."

"I am glad you came. It is never a mistake to seek solace with a friend and it sounds like you need somebody in your corner."

It's funny how the simple words from this woman almost manage to undo me. I managed not to cry when my father called to tell me about the diagnosis while stopping just short of blaming me. The tears don't come when Rebecca insists on seeing me more or less in secret until her husband insists on a meeting. The harsh words of mother and the family Rabbi do not weaken my resolve to be here.

Maggie pulls me into a hug before I am even conscious of crying. The scent of her perfume mixed with chocolate, makes me burrow even further into her arms. She whispers in my ear and strokes my back in extended slow circles that almost lull me to sleep.

"On top of everything they are making you do medicine by stealth? All because you came out. Its a wonder you haven't been crying for the last six weeks straight."

"Stubborn Israeli disposition counts for something, right?" I whisper against her hair.

"Being strong isn't the most important thing, Sweetheart."

"What if I fail and the only thing the Katz family can bond over is saying Shiva for the route cause of all their trouble? I am not ready to lose them completely."

"You are one of the strongest people I know. Whatever happens, you will make it through with me as a pen pal if you ever get the hang of the penpal thing."

***

"You won't find anything, you know."

I look up from the photo of Alex and Lucas on the bookshelf as Maggie hands me another bowl of ice cream, complete with hot sauce. She has taken the opportunity to change from actual sleepwear into something resembling my outfit. The cat socks make me smile as she shuffles beside me.

"Luke is so big now, no matter how many babies we bring into the world, I never tire of seeing them happy and healthy. It's an almost daily miracle."

"My shrine to the little man also provides convenient cover for you to snoop for signs of my non -existent boyfriend or girlfriend and how far long we are our hypothetical relationship" Maggie surmises as she hands me the bowl.

"Its none of my business either way..." I offer defensively fighting the blush that creeps up my neck."

"It turns out I am spectacularly bad at mixing medicine and personal relationship even when batting for both teams. I'm either too fun-loving for the uber series medical types or not far too serious for anyone else. Zach's efforts at matching were failures on all counts."

I spoon ice cream far too fast in an effort not to blurt out Jewish love poetry or something. The wistful look on her face is both sad and hopeful, but as usual, I can't quite decipher the meaning. We were always so bad at talking anything but medicine.

"I only have a thing for complicated people who are unavailable for multiple reasons according to the counsellor Alex makes me see. Two people hardly constitute a pattern in any meaningful sense."

I am trying to decide whether to apologise, defend myself or profess my undying love when Maggie leans over and kisses me. The kiss is the definition of chaste, and so is her feather-light touch on my cheek.

"Just continuing our tradition of unexpected moments," Maggie offers by way of explanation.

***

"You are staying with me."

I blink at the declaration not entirely sure the words were in English let alone forming a coherent sentence. Maggie just spent the last 10 minutes catching me up on the world of Hope Zion and the adventures of her godson.

"What...."

Maggie springs to her feet and starts pacing the room gesturing wildly. Her long legs make quick work of the space even in the slippers.

"I have a spare room, and there is no way you are staying with your parents as their medical doormat. This situation is stressful enough without being treated like a leper unless you are useful to them, or they need a translation."

"Maggie its not so bad..."

"Yes, it is. You've spent 14 years tying yourself into knots to please them, and they keep shifting the goalpost even when family should be the closest, give yourself a little distance to see that" Maggie pleads.

"There are plenty of options until my old apartment comes through. According to my landlord, I was something of a dream tenant, not just because I coached his grandson through chemistry."

"So you can work yourself into the ground and miss far too many meals? You need supervision Katz and somebody to take care of you for once" Maggie glares accusingly.

"How very Jewish of you Maggie concerned about my weight and appearance" I tease to mask emotion

"As part of your transformation let down your defensive just this once, Syd."

At that moment, I couldn't deny Maggie Lin anything. My limited stores of common sense were no match against bone weariness and emotional chaos. Maggie has always been my touchstone. No matter how unfair I was to her n the past. The simple truth is, if anybody is capable of helping me through this nightmare time, it's my former student. I'm selfish for needing her this much and having so little to offer in return, but I will try.

My courtship can begin in the morning when I look something close to normal.

"Ok, Maggie but just for a little while."

***

"I'll stay here tonight if only to avoid my mother and the scriptures she is dying for me to read. There should be plenty of kosher AirB&B options until my new apartment is ready."

Maggie doesn't respond as she offers a fresh stack of bed linen and toothbrush. I trail her into the spare room as she continues a running commentary on her shifts for the next week and times she is likely to cover in the ER with Zach.

"Maggie I won't impose on you for long...a listening ear is more than I could have hoped for."

I'm lying, of course, most of my hopes and dreams for the next decade revolve around Maggie Lin in some form or another. The plans didn't involve turning up on her doorstep like a stray kitten with no home. That metaphor might be apt at the moment, but I do have some pride left.

"If it was an imposition I wouldn't have offered, Syd. You are close to both hospitals, away from your family for a while. We can discuss fetal preservation in oncology as much as you want. The study is closed, but there are still options..."

"Why are you still so good to me? I haven't earnt it, even though one day I hope to be worthy of your trust." I blame far too much sugar for the foolish question.

"I told you once I'll always be here and I meant it, Dr Katz." Maggie offers softly.

"Maggie..."

"We can play it day by day and make a decision based on how Rebecca is responding to the maintenance chemotherapy. We certainly don't need to make any decisions this early in the morning."

The simple kindness brings new tears to my eyes and the impulse to touch her is almost overwhelming, but tonight isn't the right time to pursue intimacy.

"Get changed into an old set of scrubs and hop into bed. I think I still remember how to make your tea just right."

I impulsively hug her as passes trying to convey all my feelings without words. She kisses my cheek before moving to the kitchen.

***

I am making a mistake, but I can't bring myself to care.

My list of mistakes when it comes to Maggie Lin are extensive, right from when she was little more than an overly talented student. She is generous to a fault, particularly when it comes to our messy relationship and my fleeting visits. There is no way that me accepting her offer of the spare room can end well.

Room is an overly optimistic term for the tiny space, but the religious retreats back in Israel are similar. There are a single bed and a reading light with a trunk to hold clothes. The stress of multiple family arguments and trying to treat Becca by proxy almost melts away as a sink into the unfamiliar sheets and listen to the sounds of Maggie preparing tea.

"I knew it was lying around here somewhere" Maggie sounds triumphant as she carries a tray inside the room.

"You left this book at my bedside when I was recovering from surgery. I meant to send it to you, but it turns out that Israel is a big place with a surprising number of reclusive doctors. Your Google profile missies you by a month or two."

I take the book and try not to wince at the gentle blame for my complete lack of communication. The book is a work by a reformist Rabbi arguing to accept LGBT into the community without reservation. The title follows me through many adventures.

"Thank you for keeping this for me."

"My amount of Katz momentos isn't particularly shrine-like, but I could properly quote your lastest papers verbatim, for professional reasons, of course. It's working with you that inspired me to start the study in the first place- hardcore OBGYN and all."

"The student will outpace the teacher soon."

"That wouldn't happen in a million years. Maybe we can devise a follow-up study together sometimes; you can judge my grasp of the scientific method." Maggie jokes with a shrug.

"Sleep well, Sydney. We can make plans in the morning."

***

"Good morning, did you sleep well?"

I dream of Maggie often.

As I become more comfortable with my identity as both Jewish and a lesbian, the subconscious desires no longer frighten me. Even if Maggie no longer wishes to pursue a romantic relationship, it wasn't far on Lalya to began a relationship without fully committing to her or even the country.

The sex dreams are amazing and leave me trembling with desire, but it's the simple domestic scenes that we never got to share that haunt me the most. Preparing meals for as a couple planning our days off together and maybe talking about babies.

The reality is both charming and surreal as I watch Maggie prepare a simple breakfast of fruit and eggs.

"I Googled kosher breakfast foods so assuming that a lovely sounding Youtuber didn't lie to me everything is up to standard" Maggie offers with a smile.

"You didn't need to do all this."

Maggie gestures me to the small table and starts up a conversation about different options for Becca and her increasing pain levels. Her doctor is doing everything possible and is a well-regarded specialist, but Hope Zion is known to foster innovation.

"She wants me to save the baby above all else. Which is understandable after four miscarriages but I can't face the thought of losing my sister" Syd confesses helplessly.

"We are nowhere near the level of impossible choices yet, Syd. I've got cover for the day, and we can do some problem solving just like the old times" Maggie offers encouragingly.

I am too rung out to protest the gesture, and I dread telling Becca there is no point in transferring to Hope Zion after all. Mother will take some satisfaction in seeing my approach fail and offer it as further proof of the bad luck that follows me like a metaphysical cloud.

"I've missed talking to you. I've missed everything about you."

My fitters around Maggie Lin are as weak as ever it seems. She somehow manages to look beautiful with bed and no sleep to speak of, the smile she offers me is tender and loving.

"Somehow you keep forgetting that and misplacing me, even though I always stay in the same place."

I want to promise her that my mistakes are in the past and I will make any vow she wants, in whatever language. Now is not the time for such a proclamation; there is too much baggie between us. It is my turn to wait for her to reach out.

She squeezes my hand gently before turning her attention to the food in front of us. The most Jewish of appreciations is an offer and acceptance of hospitality no what the circumstances. Nobody makes me tea, quite like Maggie.

***

"Are you completely insane?"

I freeze in the entryway to Maggie's apartment the sound of raised voices bounces in the high ceiling. My efforts to shield Maggie from the disruption of an argument in Hebrew is for nought. Becca yells at me for raising her hopes and mother threatens to change numbers if I don't stop 'upsetting' Rebecca at such a delicate time.

Maggie calling in sick is such a rare event her best friend rushes over to get the lay of the land. There was a time when Rebecca and I were that close.

"Syd is going through a rough time at the moment. Her family is putting pressure on her to walk on water. I want to create a safe space..." Maggie begins calmly

"She hasn't exactly offered the same cautiously - flying off while you were recovering from brain surgery of all things!"

"It isn't about holding a tally system, Alex."

" I am the champion of enabling emotionally unavailable people, Mags. She will hurt you again."

"Sydney isn't Martha. She is a good person delt who is trying to work with a rough hand fate dealt with her. My worst day with her is worth any without her"

"Have you kissed her yet?" Alex asks suspiciously

"Not really..."

"How do you half kiss, somebody? Things get a little heated when practising your first aid skills? Knowing the two of you anything is possible."

To save Maggie the embarrassment of trying to answer that particular question, I make a show of announcing my presence and picking up the cat on the way to the kitchen area. The glower Alex shoots my way isn't hostile, but it isn't friendly either.

"Alex, nice to see you again, how is the second baby treating you."

"Shrinking the efficiency of my bladder and leaching calcium deposits from my bones, so situation normal" Alex comments with a shrug.

"How did Rebecca take the news?" Maggie asks worriedly

"Well, I'm not banned from her future treatments, so I guess that's a plus. Mum didn't take the news well but nothing out of the ordinary."

"Now that Alex is here, we can start brainstorming in earnest. There is something we can try with the overy and tumour sites..."

Alex looks between us before throwing her hands up.

"Wait until the baby is born before the wedding. I am not waddling down the aisle, or whatever Jewish ceremonies entitle.


	2. Chapter 2

_“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” Jane Austen _

Alex Reid will approve of the unwritten rules we are building a temporary household around.

I set firm parameters for the parts of the house that are mine. No more than eight outfits are in a neat pile in the guest room. My food remains in one small corner of the fridge, and we do not share chores or meals.

I am intent on taking up as little space as physically possible without the situation dissolving into a comedy of errors. AirB&B remains open on my laptop and a 'move out date' is highlighted on two calendars.

Maggie is unfailingly respectful of my need for space and time to progress Rivka's illness and the uncertainty with my family. Unlike when we were first getting to know each other, she doesn't challenge me to embrace differences or a new and open.

If anything, the two of us are becoming increasingly shy and tap dance around the common areas.

"You are welcome to host a dinner on Friday nights if you want? I can spend time with Alex and Luke." Maggie offers tentatively

I don't bother to look up from the 'Pregnancy and Oncology' corer that Maggie has created in the lounge. The desk resembles that of any med school dorm, with better highlighters and laptop model. Sometimes entire afternoons are spent in this chair researching the latest techniques and phoning colleagues for their opinion.

"Shabbat is an evening tradition about family and togetherness; a solitary dinner is the stuff of bad memes and jokes on the internet."

***

Emotional entanglements are other feature entirely.

I have practice when it comes to denying my feelings for Maggie. Its almost as if I visit her in small doses, it's possible not to feel quite so much. Rumours are flying around Hope Zion that I'm here to court Dr Lin. Convincing my former student to pursue a relationship is part of my return to Canada and this province in particular. However, I didn't bank on being caught up like one of her compassion strays.

All the speeches revolve around me being ready to take on a new world with her. There is no language for feeling broken and still wanting to spend my life with her. Two weeks reaffirm my feelings for her. But don't give me any insight into how to broach the topic.

"Oh, I was heading out with Jaxson and the others."

Maggie sounds mortified as she surveys the simple chicken roast I prepared for the evening. Feeding the younger doctor has become something of a compulsion. The first years of a medical career are almost as hard as med school and the fellowship training. Dr Lin, in particular, is working hard to enter the OBGYN field and connect with local hospitals.

The Jewish cook in meal feels an instinctive stab of rejection. My face remains neutral as I move to clear away the second plate and start mentally planning for leftovers.

"Oh, it's okay - roast will keep for a week of sandwiches" I rush to reassure my unofficial landlord.

"I'll tell Jackson we can meet another time..." Maggie replies, reaching for her phone.

"NO! I don't want you to disrupt your routine on my account, go out with your friends or date.." I insist

The last comment slips out before she turns away and kicks off impressive looking heels.

***

"Syd I need you."

The sound of Rebecca's voice over the phone sends dread coiling in my bones, and I send a quick and reflexive prayer. My sister and I are not close anymore, but even if we were, she wouldn't call this late without reason. Her breathing is heavy, and she is fighting to conceal soft whimpers and moans.

"The pain is so bad Syd; it comes in waves like it is clawing my insides" Rebecca pants out.

"I'll meet you at Summer Hill - give the ambulance driver the sheet I wrote it would explain everything. Don't eat or drink anything in case you need to go into surgery; it is unlikely but possible" I instruct reaching for my shoes.

"I am not leaving until you get here. This time isn't so bad, and I don't want yet more strangers prodding and poking without your there to advocate for my baby."

"Rivka they won't go against your wishes..." I try to reason with her while haunting for suitable clothes.

"I will stay here untill you arrive, Syd"

My sister is stubborn enough to turn and ambulance away just to prove a point to me. She was always the dominant sibbling when we were younger.

"I'll be there as soon as I can"

***

"Where are you going?"

I am an expert at sneaking around at odd hours trying not to disturb housemates or family members with more regular schedules. Maggie's apartment is modern enough not to groan with a nocturnal language. She insists that I have a key, so I plan to sneak out and not disturb her routine.

Maggie is learning against the doorframe of her room. She watches me as I take the time to run a quick inventory of the supplies in my first aid bag. The doctor in me wants to call ahead for the ambulance, but I don't want to go against Rebecca's wishes and fracture our relationship any further.

"I am sorry to wake you. Becca has some breakthrough pain and wants me there before heading into the hospital." I explain sheepishly

"You didn't wake me. I was alternating between podcasts and sharing Instragram snaps with my brother. I'll drive you to Rebecca's place and help out with the examination"

Living together offers me insight into the side of Maggie I rarely saw as her former teacher and almost lover. She still gets chronic migranes after her brain injury and doesn't sleep well most nights. She is fastitious and neat when it comes to keeping her home clean and often does chores at odd hours to relax.

In keeping with our silent agreement we don't talk about such privite things. Maggie will often add her thoughts about Rebecca's treatment options to my growing collection of notes. Her penmanship becomes a familar comfort.

"You don't need to do that...

"Don't be stubborn and prideful Syd. Tensions are running high enough already. You don't need to be playing double duty of doctor and sister right now" Maggie argues as she ushes me towards the door.

I am begining to need Maggie too much inspite of all my assertions that living together is a short term solution. She is providing me with a sounding board and comfort even if she can offer no easy answers. My future niece or nephew means allot to Maggie already and she never complains about doing medical research in spare time.

If I don't find the courage to communicate with her like a grown woman I will face the prospect of loosing this support structure. I became self sufficent at 17 but needing Maggie this much is making me feel both strong and vunerable at the same time.

"I'll shout you a non cafiteria breakfast as thanks. You are going to need the strength to deal with my family on mass" I agree wih a greatful smile.

"I have some sucess in dealing with stubborn Katz woman" Maggie quips

***

"I need you to do the physical examination; I'll talk you through the basics."

Maggie stops at a traffic light before turning to raise an eyebrow at me in question. I hold out my tremble hands as an explanation before moving to wipe the sweat from my brow. Panic attacks are rare but I can feel myself mainifesting false cardiac symtoms. Letting Maggie drive allows me to focus on my fear and uncertenty. Stage II is a treatable form of cancer but Rebecca's miscarrige history makes things complicated. 14 weeks is a long way from even close to viable for the baby.

"Breathe Sweetheart. We knew this was a possible complication and there are protocals in place for managing her pain"

"Odds are there a secondary growths..." I begin haultingly

"We need to plan for that eventuality but you taught me that babies are resilient and Becca is building an excellent team around her" Maggie cuts me off firmly

"This side of the medical equasition is aweful" I confess not even bothering to hide my tears this time.

"Thats why you need moral support. I can come to every future appointment or impromtu visit. Despite what you may think you have plenty of friends at Hope Zion as well. Alex is reading up on kosher gosseries.

"I don't deserve you..." my confession has multiple meanings and implications.

"Yes you do but you certainly deserve more then sneaking around like an excile”.

***

"Who is she? this isn't a viewing party."

My sister is a prideful woman, and being in this state in public must be hard for her on so many levels. It is difficult to make a clinical judgement without an ultrasound machine or another equipment. However, there are only so many complications that Becca could be facing and none of them are minor at this delicate stage.

Its a testment to how bad Rebbeca is feeling that she doesn't protest Maggie doing some of the intial examination. Maggie keeps her touch light as she feels her abdoman throguh the thin nightshirt. Becca is reflexively gaurding the site.

"Rebecca and Samual this Dr. Maggie Lin" I say as position a portable blood pressure machine.

"Ah the doctor whose 'revoluntionary' trial I couldn't join" Rebecca snsps

I flush at her use of the adjective that I used to discribe the study in a moment of weakness. My tone caught somewhere between geeky excitement and pride at the most talented of my former students. Maggie offers a tight smile but doesn't rise to the bait.

"Our study isn't the only one in the feild. Cancer protocals are changing and evolving every day. Can you tell me about the pain and your other symtoms?" Maggie falls into professional mode

My practical brother in law is desperate for something to do and launches into a detailed explanation. He handover a notebook with his observations. His hands are trembling and I idly wonder he is on the verge of fainting from the stress. Maggie glances at the notebock before quickly handing it to me.

"I'm sorry I don't speak or read Hebrew. Syd can tell me everything I need to know" Maggie sounds truly regretful

Samual Fredman is a consumate scholar and careful with his letters but this notebook is the work of a desperate husband. I can barely read the shaky script and his teachers at the Yeshiva would be horrified at his bizzare coding system. I study the forms earnestly though Samual is a good man who adores my sister and he needs to know he is making a contribution.

"Can you discribe the pain Rivka?"

"It hurts" my sister growls at me with no small amount of mockery

"Samual notes say this waves are getting worse and that your are loosing your apettite again, even for mother's baking" I probe gently

"You try eating when you are on chemo therapy and trying to keep your child alive!"

"Becca its not uncomon for cancer paients to require admission for pain control. Such a measure doesn't mean that the situation is any worse or we need to panic at this stage" Maggie interjects calmly

Samual rushes out of the rooom to grab Rebecca's pill box. His watch beeps every time Rebecca is due for a dose. Maggie reaches for her cellphone and dials the ambulence. She succiently confirms the situation and that there are two medics on the scene.

I am surprised when Rebecca reaches out and grabs my hand her eyes briming with unshed tears and terror. I have seen this look many times before but never with a family member.

***'

"She isn't who I would imagine you giving up everything for"

Rebecca sounds almost hurt by the idea but covers such weakness with a fierce glower. I am helping her pack for a stay in the hospital that will last at least a few days. Throughout her illness, Rebecca finds comfort in preparing well for the upheval that is long term treatment.

A big part of me is relieved my sister is feeling well enough to judge me again. The paler of extreme pain and breathlessness is easing, and she is starting to look less clammy. My soul rejects her casual dismissal of Maggie even if our exact relationship is in limbo.

" I din't come out for or because of anyone Rebecca. The decision was for me alone. Please, don't judge her for what you perceive as my failings. She is a wonderful friend and doctor" I try to defend calmly.

"A friend who follows you around in the middle of the night"

"I am staying with her while I wait for my old apartment to be ready. Its not like I am welcome with our old friends anymore"

Rebecca looks away in shame but she doesn't relax her posuture. We sometimes make progress and another times she is almost as worse than our mother.

"I will never understand your choices in this Sydney but thank you for coming tonight. You didn't need to after last Thursday" she offers

"Of course I came Becca. I will always be here for you”

***

"I want you to save my baby if the decision needs to be made."

Surprisingly Rebecca addresses her remarks to Maggie as I monitor her cardiac rhythm and whisper occasional reassurance to Samual who is praying beside me in the ambulance. The backspace is a tight fit, but the paramedics make an exception given that Maggie and I can navigate the space responsibly and take over in a crisis.

Strictly speaking, now the pain is manageable we could drive to Hope Zion or Summer Hill Memorial. I'm not taking any chances with bleeding or a pain flare-up.

"One of the roles of both an Oncologist and an OBGYN is to ensure that such extreme decisions are absolute last resort. They do happen, but it is rare" Maggie offers with an encouraging smile.

"I see my sister taught you her unshakable confidence in the wonders of modern medicine. Do you fly around the world looking for the most complicated cases too?" Rebecca asks bitingly.

"Rivka..." Samual cautions softly gripping her hand that doesn't have an IV line.

"Your sister is a great teacher and the best in the field. Any OBYN will take you the same. Don't add to your stress by creating polarising extremes" Maggie offers calmly as she quickly makes a note of a spike in blood pressure.

My heart swells with love with this woman regularly. Few people would wake up in the middle of the night to argue with my combative sister, monitor her vital signs and defend my honour in the same ambulance ride.

***

My parents do not acknowledge Maggie in the room.

In all honesty, the elder Katz is ignoring everybody until Rebecca receives her test results. My mother refusals to yield in the coach even though we are into hour four. Samual and father are praying over a particular scripture. A small part of me finds comfort in hearing the familiar chants.

I implore Maggie to go home more than once, but she refuses and sits in the corner, theoretically completing a crossword or making an Instagram update of Snowball, the cat.

Rebbeca's oncologist is a lovely man and stays well past office hours to try and treat her pain flare-ups and unstable vital signs. He tactfully ignores the tension in the room and family disarming. Cancer specialists spent their lives dealing with the people's terror of the 'Big C' even my mother is no match.

_"Your future grandchild is lucky to have Dr Sydney Katz as an aunt. She is a champion for high-risk pregnancies. It's nice to meet you in person Sydney." _

"_For all her care my youngest daughter is still very sick and in such pain" mother responds neutrally_.

"_Pain is, unfortunately, a reality with this form of cancer and how we are treating to keep the baby viable. The team around Rebecca will do everything we"_

***

I cry on Friday afternoons.

No matter how painful the fallout is, I don't regret choosing to live openly both as a lesbian and as somebody who challenges Orthodox tradition. Neshama isn't entirely wrong in her critique. I don't have the natural temperament for rebellion and the rejection of family and authority figures stings. 

A part of me desperately wants to follow the 'right path' with well-worn paving stones. There are pop songs about it, but there aren't instruction manuals for losing my religion. Not when I don't want to renounce the faith entirely.

I wouldn't trade my time in Israel or with Layla for anything; it was invaluable learning about the history, culture and even the centuries of conflict. My first girlfriend taught me that the two identities of Jewish and Lesbian aren't mutually exclusive. However, the Rabbi's words were slightly different, the bread from a new recipe and the recollections of a Temple childhood not the same.

Friday nights are the times that hit me the hardest. A good doctor is an expert at compartmentalising, and my pain escapes on Friday evenings. I treat the time like a religious retreat and stay in my room for several hours alternatively praying, writing scipture notes, and mourning my losses past and future.

Crying always makes me hungry so I wonder into the lounge intent on making myself a samwitch before Maggie gets home from an evening with Alex and Charlie.

"I'm selfish"

The sudden intrusion of someone else's voice makes me jump and whirl around to face the kitchen. Maggie is carefully setting to plates of pasta and salad on the bench. A pastry box from my favour bakary is on the counter by the door.

"I know we agreed not to talk about things and take everything slow untill Becca recovers" Maggie explains as she prepares a dressing without glancing at me. "I can't stand knowing that you spend every Friday crying and missing your family without doing anything"

"Oh Maggie..." I whisper as she ushers me to the table

"Have dinner with me Syd. We can work out the deals tomorrow"

"I should change" I protest scrubbing at my eyes and searching for my glasses.

“You look lovely”


	3. Chapter 3

My family is horrible at the art of casual conversation. 

An outsider may blame our religious background. It's true, much of our time is a mixture of prayer and earnest contemplation of sacred text. Families are bound together by faith, service and community. At the same time, an essential feature of such bonds is idle chatter, gossip and sharing of non-essential information. Every social event both men and woman hoard away information for future use, sometimes maliciously, but mostly to keep the social currency going. 

The Katz family is an exception to this rule. Our parents are severe and studious people by nature, and the same traits are in their children, our chosen professions reflection this reality. Medicine requires considerable interaction, but you are speaking a common language with the same expectations. Long before I came out my family and I ran out of things to say to each other. In some ways, my life is more difficult because I cannot or will not cut myself off from the family entirely. However, I will always be a biddable Jewish daughter, even if the feelings are not mutual. 

The current situation is almost unbearable. 

Rebecca is undergoing her latest round of low dose chemotherapy. Samual and I are sitting on either side of the reclining chair. The spacious chemotherapy suite is most familiar and strange to the doctor in me. There is nothing for us to talk about given that our only commonality is a Jewish faith that disagrees fundamentally. 

Loving Rebecca is the most durable bond, and for now, the tie is holding firm. 

"Why don't you go for a walk? I can stay with her"

My brother in law is a tall man, and he is folding himself into the visiter chairs at unnatural angles. I am contemplating booking him an appointment with a local osteopath. He spends most of the medication cycles writing notes in every present notebook. 

"We don't have long to go now. I'll wait in case Becca needs help. The dizziness and fatigue is worse the first day."

Neither of us mentions cleaning up vomit and other fluids into the early morning hours. 

Samual Friedman is a good man, and I have not given him enough credit for that fact. In my mind, their marriage represents so much of what I dislike about the old ways, the arrangement, the family ties, the gender expectations. What I forgot in that judgement is that these same things do not automatically prevent my brother in love from being a good and faithful person. 

***

** Week One: Acclimatisation Sickness  **

My plan has many flaws. 

Developing a plan to court Maggie is a lot more comfortable to do in the abstract. 

The timing is horrible. Most days, I forget that we are in a house-sharing situation and divide my time unevenly between oncology research and reestablishing networks in this city. Maggie is working hard to advance her career and professional opportunities. The light and breezy conversation I hope to have keep falling through the cracks. 

I wasn't lying to Maggie with claims that Israel changes people. Living there and developing a new sense of identity does wonder for my sense of shame and isolation. The identities of Jewish and lesbian no longer feel in constant conflict in my mind. I believe in my bones that God still loves me. However, that certainty is buckling under the pressure of being back in Canada and with my parents. 

The sheer pain of trying to help my sister and failing most of the time makes me feel weak and useless. These are not traits that doctors handle easily at the best of times. 

The comfort being in Maggie presence provides make it challenging to think about anything beyond my needs, fears and emotions. If anything, I am convincing her that I am a wretched charity case, not a suitable girlfriend.

"Hot date tonight?" I ask as she heads out the door one evening.

"Not unless you count seeing the non-medical Lin Twin as such, which I don't" Maggie laughs with a broad smile. 

Something about that rings a distant bell for me, and I bolt up in horror, topping over a stack of journals."

"It's your birthday!" 

I feel a wave of horror when I realise that the date carefully marked in both my physical and digital calendar slips me by without notice or comment. I was planning on making a special dinner and offering to cover her shifts for that week. 

"Don't worry about it, Syd. You are frantic with plans for Becca; we can do something in the weekend. I don't make a big deal out the day anyway, Declan and I are often at opposite ends of the country."

"That's no excuse. Can I make you dinner later in the week? Would you like to invite your brother over?"

"That sounds lovely."

I spend my evening alone chastising myself for forgetting such an important and doing choices around the apartment, paying careful attention to the places we share. There are a collection of silly cards in the lounge that makes me smile sadly. 

I write multiple versions of a card, but all my words come out in Hebrew, and everything sounds hollow.

***

** Week Two: Altitude Adjustment  **

Maggie and I fall into a new routine. 

I resolve to become a better roommate by learning Maggie's daily routines that have nothing to do with me or my sister. Alex Reid is a logical choice for information, but she is still wary of our whole arrangement. Me overlooking Maggie's birthday does not earn me any goodwill and nor should it. However, Dr Lin is an open person by nature, and it is isn't so tricky to gleam useful intel. In truth, such errands provide helpful distractions from Rebecca and worrying about the baby. 

The first step in my plan is to learn Maggie's favourite dinners and lunches. She doesn't eat nearly enough between endless rounds at its the least I can do to prevent death by vending machines. Luckily Maggie's kitchen provides a useful guide to her likes and dislikes. There is nothing that challenges Jewish sensibilities too drastically. Living in a secular society regards some adaptations and adjustments. 

"This is amazing how did you decipher my grandmother's handwriting from that old recipe books. It usually takes me at least half an hour, and I'm a doctor."

"Her shorthand is nothing in comparison to some of my teachers at the Synagogue. Did I get the seasoning, right?" 

"It's wonderful on so many levels. Declan will be so jealous next week."

I smile at the compliment and resolve to continue my plan of being a better friend and roommate before working towards anything more complicated. 

"Tell me about the latest journal abstract you are submitting?" I prompt 

***

** Week Three: Motion Sickness  **

" I am sorry for cramping your style."

My words sound weak and pathetic, but its the first thing that comes to mind. We are out at the opening of a new restaurant with the rest of the gang from Hope Zion. Everyone is mingling in the open spaces and sharing off the different platters. Despite persistent attention from an extremely handsome neurosurgeon, Maggie sticks to my side. I feel self-conscious, even though my outfit is entirely in keeping with our colleagues. There is little to no Kosher food to Maggie, and I are nibbling on a boring custom platter. 

"You aren't cramping my style, Syd."

"Dr Simpson- Jones would disagree. He is rather persistent in seeking your attention" I point out aiming and failing to achieve a neutral tone. 

"That man is the worst of the Neuro breed, and you are saving me if anything." 

"Still, you don't need to stay here all night. Go out and mingle with the others." I persist gently.

"Why do you automatically assume I am not having a good time right where I am?" Maggie challenges 

"Because you didn't spend $45 on a restaurant opening to nibble on breadsticks and vegetables in the corner of the room."

Maggie munches on said breadstick almost angrily. I have clearly stated something wrong in my efforts to appease her, but no change of topic feels safe in our strange and increasingly straining dynamic. This night isn't proving my compatibility in her world at all. Alex is shooting me suspicious glares from across the room, and for once I don't blame her. 

"I can spend my money; however I like, these sticks aren't bad with the right amount of olive oil and vinegar. Let me show you."

Maggie dutifully begins to mix the two seasonings like a teenager in chemistry class, whispering the steps as she goes. The resulting dip is tasty, and for a second, the night feels like a regular date. I manage to come up with several topics of conversation without prompting. 

I don't summon the courage to ask her to dance to my reflect Dr Simpon- Jones gets the same message. 

***

** Thursday: Week Four: Vertigo  **

I am making more progress with Rebecca and less progress with Maggie. 

In one way, that fact is surprising. When I first came out, Rebecca didn't hold back on saying some truly hateful and hurtful things. She knew many of my weakest points and didn't hesitate to use them in pressing at an advantage. However, old bonds are falling back into place now that we are working on the common goal. I respect her boundaries, and she doesn't try and convert me anymore. 

"I would have come around within the decade" Rebecca whispers between cracking lips. 

"What?" I reach for ice chips and a dump towel 

"If you weren't a baby saviour I wouldn't have left you forever."

I feel a twinge of emotion at the unexpected words. She is resting after the latest treatment. Samuel is at a study group while keeping my sister company for the afternoon. Maggie is stopping by with the most recent test results. I try to quell nervousness at the idea. 

"Samual refuses to hear a word said against you, even amongst his father's family. He wants us to consider a new Rabbi after the baby is born. I am not that brave, but I won't let mother and father continue speaking in such a way. Cousin Jerry doesn't receive such an integration."

"I think our cousin sets a pretty low bar for such things. You don't need to make such big decisions on my account" I sooth gently. 

"You didn't need to come back into the direct line of fire, including monitoring my digestive output." 

"Of course I did, that's what sisters are for."

"Exactly"

I am close to breaking down into ugly crying when Samual comes bounding into the room, his ordinarily quiet voice fill out excitement. As I half expect, Maggie is trailing in his wake looking almost sheepish smile. 

"Dr Maggie brought us smoothies in a special blend, My darling" Samual explains in Hebrew carrying the drinks tray like precious cargo. 

"Some of the patients during our trial gave us the ingredients that help them cope best with side effects, especially the dry mouth. I did some experimenting at home, and this is the result."

** Friday: Week Five: Rapid Acceleration  **

"I fucking hate butterflies and everything they represent."

I am in a particularly delicate part of the recipe, but my surgeon's hands prevent me from burning the mixture. Maggie's uncharacteristic shout still makes me jump. Our statemate is putting her increasingly lousy mood, but even so, her words don't make much sense. We are entering a Canadian winter there a no butterflies to find, be they annoying or otherwise. 

"The metaphor is stupid. Not everything needs to go through a massive transformation to beautiful or free. Sometimes staying right where you are is a perfectly reasonable steep."

"I agree..."

"No, you don't you are all about butterflies at the moment."

Her snappy tone makes me switch off the oven and turn to give her my full attention. I am not the best at reading human emotion or Maggie's in particular, but some signposts are impossible to ignore. There is a curious mixture of rage and defeat in her tone. 

"I don't understand what you are talking about, Maggie."

"Why did you eat my brother's seafood cakes the other week and apologise for preferring a Hebrew movie last night? or stay at that stupid, obnoxious restaurant opening?" Her questions do not clarify the situation. 

"I was accommodating, Declan doesn't understand the finer points of Kosher.."

"You looked like someone consuming poison and fighting back nausea. Declan can make a thousand variation of those things. There is nothing wrong with asking"

"Adaptation is important in certain situations. I chose to learn the strict observances when I came out Maggie."

"You aren't adapting or making small concessions. You are trying to be somebody you are not."

"I want to be a better fit.." I almost say for  _ you  _ but stop myself in time. 

"You haven't broken Sydney; there is nothing wrong with you."

Maggie looks so earnest and heartsick that I want to say anything that will lighten her mood. But there she is still talking, and the open kitchen suddenly feels too small for the two of us. My 'plans' such as they are were well of the mark if this is the net result. For a second, I regret going to Maggie that night, so afraid for Becca and the future. However, this confrontation is coming in one way or another; standing my ground is one way to prove things to her. 

"I need to make choices that push my comfort zone, almost daily, don't overreact to a few incidents. There is no handbook to being 'formally Ordodox but still Devout" I whisper into the tense silence. 

Maggie looks like she wants to interrupt, but she lets me continue absently moving to stir the pot, in a none metaphorical sense. 

"Layla use to say that I'm going through a 'double coming out' and that neither community understands the other particularly well. Growing pains at whatever age you begin" I continue with a sad smile. 

"When I told you I was here waiting, there weren't conditions to the statement. The confusion, the anxiety about not getting it right is ok; there is a reason I kissed you practically on the eve of your engagement. Perfect adjustment isn't even in the top twenty, being Jewish is who you are"

I reach out a hand and interlace our fingers, not caring that I'm shaking and sweaty. 

"Your brother's fishcakes were excellent, and he did source close to kosher. I went to that party because the people from Hope Zion are genuinely lovely and supporting Jackson's family seems like a nice way to spend an evening, minus the breadsticks." 

Maggie smiles with a mixture of relief and tenderness. 

"I think our communication could use a little work."

***

"Give me five babies."

"Would you like me to pick them out from a catalogue or will any random set do?" 

I make the quip as Maggie charges into my room with a familiar look on her face. It's the same look that motivates me to simultaneously want to kiss her and write disciplinary reports on medical conduct. For both our sakes it's a good thing I become her teacher during the last few rotations. 

Maggie Lin is pacing the length of my room. She came home straight from the hospital and didn't bother to remove her name badge or swipe cards. I watch the two things sway in time with her erratic movements and gestures. 

"You have five families who are wanting to consult with you through Hope Zion credentials," Maggie says in a way she most likely thinks is enlightening. 

"Those are the cases that Dawn prioritises, subject to Rebecca's health and any possible Jewish curses" I agreed cautiously. 

Maggie sits on the edge of that bed, keeping a respectful distance between us before continuing. I can't quite read her expression, but her nervousness is palpable, and I long to ease that uncertainty. Maggie looks ready to launch into another spiel about butterflies and changing.

"Give me the length of that caseload before you make any plans. I want the chance to convince you that we can make this work and 'time to process' does not mean commitment-shy."

"Maggie..."

"I know this hard, confusing and strange. But let's figure it out together before you take up a new residency in Israel or Australia, please don't make plans beyond your latest patients. Give me a chance to prove my case. 

I reach forward and gently kiss to forestall any more rambling. It takes my roommate a second to respond with enthusiasm and purpose. Her skin smells faintly on the dinner spices. 

"I promise to wait."


	4. Authors Note

I have allot of my Saving Hope works planned out and will be working on a regular update schedule through Christmas   
Let me know if there are favourites and I will prioritise.


	5. Chapter 5

"I have never seen you like this"

"You've never seen me obsessive, earnest, and making far too many plans, have we met?"

Maggie makes the witty comeback without looking up from her laptop. She is spending their lunch break reviewing Jewish dating practices and expectations. Sydney doesn't practise the religion of her family any more, but she is still a woman of faith to her core. Any committed relationship with the other woman is going to require understanding and respect for the belief systems. Syd's estrangement from all most all members of her family makes finding reliable reference points a challenge. 

"I don't mean the endless post-it notes and bookmarks, I've never seen you so caught up in person before, typically your deductive powers are reserved for medicine" Alex clarifies through a mouthful. 

"What would you call my relationship with Gavin, complete with a cat and future baby?" Maggie asks almost absently 

"A mismatch - you weren't looking for somebody who loved you enough you were looking for somebody who natures every part of you, even the reclusive insecure nerd." 

Alex Reid is theoretically helping her narrow down her choices and come up with a game plan, now that Syd agrees to her ridiculous '5 Baby Pledge'. In reality, the general surgeon is offering the occasional comment and eating half of Maggie's lunch. Baby Harris has an impressive appetite, and Alex is taking advantage. 

"Weren't you president of 'Syd Katz is best forgotten' club, Alex?" Maggie asks keeping her voice light 

"Oh I was, but that was a fool's errand. The prickly, tiny hurricane of a doctor is your person; there is no number of dating profiles or rants from me is going to change that" Alex doesn't seem surprised or worried about the revelation. 

"Hopefully she feels the same way."

"Of course she does the woman is nuts about you. This whole roommate thing is a pretence to everybody who isn't the two of you. Even the HR department is forwarding your mail."

Maggie hates the way Hope Zion is so confident in this relationship. She and Sydney are expert at near misses and runaway kisses. Convincing Syd to stay isn't merely a matter of feelings. If love were enough, she would already be proposing a picking out the names of their future children. 

Maggie knows she needs to prove to Sydney that their lives fit well together, that she is willing to take on every challenge from Becca's chemo to the occasional Jewish curse. Sydney is an expert at convincing herself that leaving is the best cause of action. If Maggie hadn't seen her music collection first hand, she would assume that the other doctor is a die-hard country music fan for all the leaving and breaking. 

"It's not that simple Alex, Charlie returning from the dead skews your perception on what is possible. We can't all have our happy ending even with all the goodwill in the world." 

"Have faith, Maggie, have faith." 

***

** Baby One: Baby Miller  **

"I can't do this, Dr Katz. 

I hear variations of that statement in many labours. The process of pregnancy and birth is long and complicated. Doubts are natural even with the most longed, miracle babies. I am not a patient person and am terrible at small talk. My evaluations form senior doctors were almost the opposite of the ones I gave Maggie, me it was easy not to create an attachment. However, I have a list of precise phrases that are both tender but firm. All most families need to hear is that they are not alone and that people are in their corner. 

My Rolodex of comfort isn't going to work with Sarah Miller. 

Sarah is a recovering anorexic and is fighting with everything she is to stay well for her unborn son. However, this is an insidious condition and the floods of pregnancy hormones, weight and nausea are not a safe combination for a previously sick mind. Fortunately, Sarah has a supportive husband and family who would do anything to keep her with them. I know and respect her psychiatrist, the man brings such passion to eating disorder work and sadly, this is our third patient together. 

"You haven't messed up too badly, Sarah." 

I blink in surprise at Maggie's interuption. Typically she stays silent when we are with what she considers 'my mothers' (or the mothers that saught me out specifically). She falls naturally into the role of student. I'm not ashamed to say that I more or less stole Maggie Lin's services from the Emergency Department for this consult. Dr Bell doesn't seem to mind I bring in enough grant money to give me some descretion. However, there is mostly some supervision of audits and budgets in my future. 

"I have lost weight at a crucial stage!"

Unfortunately, Sarah isn't wrong, and anybody with functioning senses can see that she is failing to gain. However, she is tormenting herself enough for any medical personal. Another symptom of her fragile mental state is reading everything possible and cataloguing her perceived failings. 

"Yes you did, but as soon as you did, you came straight to see us and started emergency sessions with Liasion Psychiatry, even though the one doctor you trust is away for a week. Breaking your routine and secrecy takes bravery and indicates progress. You did the right thing, Sarah" Maggie's voice is soothing and measured. 

I fall more in love with her with every word. 

***

** Baby Two: Watson Twins  **

"We are so happy, Dr Katz."

I feel a stab of envy as I watch Osker and Richard Watson gaze lovingly at their future daughters on the ultrasound. Oscar's sister is the surrogate for this family in the making. Unlike my own family, both men have the full support of their relatives and their children will not lack for love. I pray that they will never experience prejudice and hate in their lives times. 

"Well, Sonya and the babies are proceeding on schedule. Your blood pressure is still high, but we are out of danger for preclamcia. I still want you to stay on bed rest, especially with the dizzy spells" I instruct with a smile. 

"There are worse things than having the three men in my life wait on me for the next three weeks" Sonya jokes. 

The words are light-hearted, but I still feel a stab of bitterness and jealousy. Maggie or any future partner of mine is going to have to fight for any respect from my family. Things are softening with Rebecca but who knows how long that will last. She adores our parents and struggles to defy them. 

"I can handle things here if you want to consult with Dr Miller, Sydney."

Maggie is giving me a convenient excuse to leave sensing my pain; her dark eyes clouded with concern. Fortunately, I don't have any consultations with the Emergency Department. If anything I am late for lunch, but I can't run away from everything that reminds me of the estrangement from my family. 

"Your brother is lucky to have you; not all families are so accepting" I say instead of forcing a smile. 

Richard gives me a knowing look, sensing what I am not saying. Since coming out, I have joined a club that nobody aknowledges. The one that knows what it means to be different without a word being spoken in the open. 

***

** Baby Three: Baby Girl Thompson  **

"Thank you for agreeing to consult on this case, Dr Katz." 

"My sister received such excellent medical care here; I was happy to return the favour in a small way."

My words are honest; it is not the staff's fault that Rebbecca's situation is complicated and resistant to traditional treatment. Of course, her stubborn refusal to admit anything is wrong didn't help the diagnosis trajectory. Maggie is tagging along today because she knows the family through the Pregnancy and Cancer network she and Alex Reid are supporting after their trial ended. 

"Eliza's tumour is no longer stable, and you want my assessment of viability post-delivery?" I ask wincing at the similarities to Becca's case.

"Our staff OGBYN read your papers on reducing birth trauma in microprobes. The NICU team is nervous about the lung development" the chief of staff reports. 

We wouldn't usually be getting the royal treatment and such a person escort, but Eliza Thompson is the daughter of an influential donor. I loathe the class system, but it doesn't change the reality of an extremely sick mother and baby. Maggie is radiating tension, the closer we get to the room. 

"Maggie!"

The voice is surprisingly loud for such a frail woman, and Eliza looks genuinely delighted to see Maggie again. Dr Lin has an excellent ability to connect with patients even if it gets in trouble at times. I hang back as Maggie greets the woman with tenderness and compassion. Without conscious thought, she has both husband and wife laughing in under 5 minutes. 

"Dr Katz is the best; your baby couldn't be in better hands. The risks are still high, but we will do everything we can do make both you and your daughter well."

I spend most of my professional life confronting dilemmas like this one, complete with high emotion and stakes. It sure is lovely to have somebody act as a sounding board. The next few days are going to be long and hard. 

***

** Baby Four: Howard Triplets  **

"Can we put you on camera, Dr Katz."

Somedays I dislike the prevalence of IVF and the rise in multiple births. 

I believe that science should help to grow families. There a few things as wrenching then somebody who desperately longs for a family and cannot have one naturally. The invention of such treatment is making God's miracles into an everyday reality. However, the truth is multiple births are tricky to navigate at the best of times. 

I despite the rise of birth Vlogging even more and would band such practices from my patient load. 

DJ and Indiana Howard are lovely people who are going to make wonderful parents to their new triplets. Indi is doing everything possible to make her babies healthy and is a model patient. She bakes cookies for the nurses and appreciates every small act of kindness of her long road to motherhood. I wish consulting on this case didn't involve cameras and release forms. 

"Unlike you, I can't carry off a 36-hour stay in hospital and stay glamorous and chic. I'm quite sure your subscribers will agree" I decline as gently as I can. 

"Dr Maggie wouldn't agree with that assesment" Indi whispers theatrically. 

I start at the apparent recognition of my relationship with my fellow doctor. Maggie is standing at the nurse's station, going over some details with Indi's first care team. The triplets were on track to stay put until their C-Section, but you never take chances with any birth much less multiples. 

"She looks at you with stars in her eyes. Its the way I knew DJ was the one that looks in the eye." 

"I am still not signing any release form, Indi." 

***

** Baby Five: Baby Rollands  **

"I'm sorry I let you down, Dr Katz. 

I do my best not to agree with Rachel Rolland's assessment and focus on her obs and the ultrasound that Maggie is the middle of applying. Rachel is pregnant with her fifth child by four different men. Surprisingly her luck changes with Bert Rollands and the man seems to think she hung the moon. He is devoted to her and his stepchildren without being worryingly attentive. I was suspicious at first but grew to trust the man as the weeks went by, but another pregnancy is the last thing this family needs. 

"I'm not in a position to judge anything beyond how well your baby is growing Rachel," I say evenly 

"If you were frowning any harder your glasses would fall off" Rachel objects with a huff "I promise Bert has a promotion at work and his mother is moving in to look after the others. I've found a family this time, Doc." she assures me earnestly. 

"Then let's make sure the newest member of the gang stays healthy. There is nothing of concern in these observations, but your birth with Noah has me a little worried." 

Rachel is a talker and doesn't mind my lack of input. I hear about everything from the nursery to her oldest's achievements in school. Strangely the stream of conversation reminds me of socials after Temple when everyone would bring food and gossip to share. I no longer feel quite so much pain at the reminders of my former life. 

"Will you have children, Dr Katz? You will be an amazing mother and take more care with your cycle than I did" Rachel asks as make notes on her file. 

"Maybe someday." I offer vaguely

I don't tell her that I am in the middle of a strange courtship ritual with my former student and current roommate. Maggie is doing everything to become a constant presence in this life that we are accidentally building. Her timetable is impractical with babies following unpredictable schedules. However, she is feeding me at every opportunity, and we watch movies together most nights that we are off the clock together. 

It worries me that all my somedays and vague notions of the future a starting to centre on Maggie Lin's presence. 

***

My gesture is far from romantic, and I did not get the reaction I was hoping for, in fact, Maggie looks hurt and angry. 

I wish I weren't so familiar with that expression on Maggie's face. All our interactions over the last few years and defined by me disappointing her to a lesser or greater extent. These last few months of cohabitation lull me into a false sense of security. Now, a comparatively minor action has brought all the old emotions back. 

"Why did you put all the Jewish books I was reading away and remove all the bookmarks?"

I may find people difficult and struggle with emotions and tact, but Maggie is telegraphing her displeasure for all to see. Truthfully the action was automatic when I saw her 'secret' supply of introductory textbooks. The books were cluttering up space Maggie needs to study for her final certifications and to write journal articles. My quest to help Rebecca is taking over every available study space. 

"Because you do need a thousand or so pages of religious text distracting you from the medical study. Rabbi Heinberg is a distant cousin, and he puts me to sleep" I joke trying to keep the situation light.

"That wasn't your call to make; my study preferences are my own even if they disrupt the Katz Laws of order." 

"You don't need to study Hebrew to go on a date with me, Maggie" I try again with more seriousness. 

"Any future with you is going to involve the Jewish faith to a lesser or great extent" Maggie responds quietly. "Or were you imagining a casual fling?" 

"Gods, no! You were never a fling! You are the one that went on a massive, slightly unhinged, rant about butterflies and not needing to change for the sake of love. Did you think the same didn't apply to you?"

Maggie doesn't reply for several long minutes, and I begin to feel myself flush and stutter at this apparent disagreement. I still don't understand the root cause of my misstep. I hate the idea of causing her pain in any form. 

"Me studying Jewish culture is entirely different from you, causing yourself pain to conform. I like learning this stuff Syd, complete with language and depth."

"Why..."

"Because we both want children one day, and I want children with you, any future children will follow you into the faith."

My fingers feel nerveless, and I almost drop my cup of tea. Maggie says the words so calmly that I almost don't believe her for a second. The projection so far into the future is beyond anything I could hope for, even though I came back to win her affection. 

"Can I have my books and post-it notes back now?"

Maggie calmly gets up off the couch and moves past me while I am still trying to formulate a sentence. She begins to stack the books and her post-it notes without saying another word. 


	6. Chapter 6

_ I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W. _

_ I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter _

Jane Austen - Persuasion 

I was wrong about Dr Maggie Lin. 

Of course, this fact isn't unusual in and of itself. Ever since Maggie was part of my student rotation at Hope Zion, I do not see this woman clearly, when I need to the most. Purely based on medicine, she is mostly a brilliant doctor and an empathic person, who I was too quick to judge as overly emotional in the case of our comatose patient. That first misstep was years ago, and the rest of our relationship seems to follow the same pattern, even as we move from professional colleagues to romantic partners. We have made peace since the 'bookmarks and post-it notes' argument, but it is a tenuous type of calm. 

"For what's its worth I agree with your efforts, but you are still running a fool's errand if you want to let Maggie Lin off the hock." 

Alex Reid slides into the seat, opposite me without asking for an invitation. Almost absently I note the signs of moderate exhaustion common to most expectant mothers. Few mothers with a growing family would take on the load that Dr Reid has, but nobody dares to challenge this intimidating woman. Alex is a survivor, and she will get through even the most difficult shifts with grit and determination. 

"I'm beginning to see the truth in your words. That doesn't mean she is ready for all the implications of being in a relationship with me, let alone raising children in the faith." I try to explain while listlessly picking at my food. 

"Maggie is in the middle of exams and job hunting. Trust me she isn't asking you to look at sperm doners next week or even start doing couple photos with Snowball the Cat. All she wants from you right now is to let her be invested in this relationship or potential relationship and study her little geek heart out." Alex advises sagely. 

"I don't want to her to place huge pressure on herself at the same time as facing gradings and spot quizzes. Dating me does not require a decoder ring in ancient Hebrew, that's why I deliberately moved away from the Orthodox faith in the first place."

"These words are a surprise me more than anyone. I think you and I are more alike than we first thought. Well, as much as a Jewish prodigy and scrappy kid from the criminal side of Toronto's working class can be." Alex muses without giving me a chance to object to the characterisation. 

"What do you mean?" I ask cautiously 

"We are both from the 'Everything Has Conditions or Fishocks school of life. For difficult reasons, we both believe that love isn't a solid foundation to count on. Even when I was going through all the mystical soulmate crap, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Charlie and Maggie love us in a way that is scary and confrontational precisely because there is no way for us to earn it; they will love us regardless." Alex explains with a bemused shrug. 

"At least you didn't fly halfway around the world multiple times."

"My sins were much closer to home, and you know that Maggie isn't keeping score trust me." 

***

"You need to have an appreciation of the time scale in play."

Maggie looks up from proclamation as she carefully cuts her meat into too many pieces. The silence between us is long and tense, but it will be up to me to break the impasse. For all my good intentions, I demonstrated a lack of faith in Maggie (again), and it will take a while to rebuild that trust. We don't even have the common language of babies for a while yet. My caseload is light since working with the last five mothers and/expectant parents if Maggie wanted to, she could theoretically avoid me for weeks even if we keep the roommate agreement. Doctors have shifts at the strangest hours, and it makes for a good excuse to prevent interpersonal dynamics or failures. 

"I don't even know what that means but don't you think that the last few years are an example to me being willing to wait and appreciate timescales?" Maggie hisses with uncharacteristic judgement. 

"Of course, it does but what you are talking about with this path of study is entirely different." I try and soothe without much success

The main problem in this situation is that I have no frame of reference for this reality. Maggie Lin was a strange combination of romantic tropes, the one that got away and my dream girl. While objectifying woman in such a way is problematic, my assessment is true. The idea of Maggie making a real and consistent effort to understand and embrace my faith is disconcerting and heartening in equal measure. 

"Conversion and interfaith marriages are always difficult to navigate, and I cannot claim any expertise." 

"That's why I am doing some of the preliminary research now and getting to know the basic concepts. You know I like to study, so it honestly is no hardship. We didn't have the opportunity to talk about such things when you were teaching at Hope Zion, and I want things to be different now. Whatever form this relationship takes."

***

"There are different styles in how partners can support people of faith."

I made the statement while still feeling a surge of nervousness. Theoretically fighting and disagreeing with Maggie Lin is better than our lack of communication in the past. However, disconcerting, especially since we are still getting to know each other as people. Rivka was right in her assessment of our multiple mixed messages with each other. One thing I miss about my old community is the comparative simplicity of the communication styles and expectations for the future. We are making progress together but not without the nervous tension. 

"That's what all the blogs and books say. Strangely enough, there isn't an exact guide to the queer equivalent with a brilliant doctor prone to the saviour complex. Do you think there could be a niche market?" Maggie asks with a broad smile. 

I feel the tension in my shoulders ease, knowing that she is still feeling their sense of engagement and togetherness. Finding a middle ground might not be impossible, after all. There are so many important aspects to focus on with Rivka still receiving outpatient treatment, and Maggie needs to concentrate on her studies and upcoming exams. Surprisingly Canada doesn't feel like such a foreign place anymore. 

"Somehow, I think your talents would be better focusing on the medical field, but we can revisit the topic later in the piece. If you like I can put you in touch with some of the people I spoke to after rejecting Hershel. I was serious about how hard some of those texts were pretty dry. There are better starting points that won't send you to sleep." I make the offer hesitantly. 

Hesitantly I begin explaining the difference in how my friends handle relationship challenges and the resources they use. I don't mention that many of these relationships fail or endure regular bouts of stress. We are still at the beginning of this time together. We can deal with the fall out later. 

***

"You know that butterflies have their place."

I observe our surroundings while we are sitting in the park sharing lunch. It's less of a date and more of a stop to refuel, Maggie has a double shift, and I am about to head to the hospital with Becca and Samual. We have reached a place in cohabitation where we are dividing leftovers. Maggie enjoys making Jewish bread and dips. I am trying to encourage her to slow down and enjoy the food, but she is too worked up about the possible surgery. In the end, the best thing I can do is provide a sounding board. 

There is are several butterflies flittering the trees, and it brings up the memory. Maggie is exhausted from her week of long shifts, and we fall into the habit of walking in the park. We don't generally have deep conversations, but we are managing to connect on a deeper level. Maggie asks me questions about the Jewish faith and my perspectives of different scriptures. As with most medical students, Maggie has a talent for details, and her knowledge is growing with each passing day. We don't put pressure on each other. 

"Now, don't you ruin a perfectly good metaphor when I am this tired. Those babies' arteries didn't repair themselves, you know and let's not talk about the F1 doctor who was going through the motions in OBGYN rotation." Maggie mock complains in a sleepy voice. 

"I'm serious; maybe I need to change just like the butterfly in your story. My rejection of you had a long to do with the gay and Jewish freakout, but that wasn't everything. Becca wasn't exaggerating much when she refers to me as the golden child. My faith in God may be close to perfect, but I was looking for excuses not to trust you or people in general, and of course, they were for the finding."

Maggie stops walking enough to give me her full attention. The tiredness is gone from her gaze, and she regards me seriously. It's taking me a while, but I slowly realise that I don't need to find the perfect words to explain my self as long as there is some form of communication. Our whole relationship would be different if I came to this realisation after that first kiss. 

"You were as brave as you could be back then. I think you are gaining more courage than you give yourself credit for, coming out to Becca and working your way through those hurts is no small thing."

"I would much prefer the textbook approach even if they are as boring as some of the Rabbi's you are wading through for me. Maybe I need to write the equivalent for dating the modern left-leaning women. Somehow it could be a niche market. However, I've certainly given our history enough thought for a manuscript." I smile almost sheepishly. 

***

"You need to remember how hard you fight for a father to stay involved in their babies life or the journey of the pregnancy. Its one of the reasons we clashed so much, was your unshakable belief in engaging with everything." 

"Are you getting ready to write me a roommate evaluation, Dr Katz?" Maggie teases. 

We are working together to prepare Maggie's apartment for her brother's arrival. Declan Lin is staying the night while in town for work, and I am going to have a sleepover with Rivka like we did when we were children. It is getting closer to the milestone point when she will carry this baby (her son) further than she has in any previous pregnancy. While this is cause for celebration and more of Maggie's chemo defying smoothies, both of them are starting to worry. While their marriage and faith are strong, another miscarriage would be too much for them at this point. While my professional judgement tells me that everything is tracking well, it will do my sister good to have me to answer questions in the middle of the night. Our still healing relationship needs tending regularly. Our parents are still ambivalent about her decision to 'forgive me." 

"We are years, perhaps even decades away from discussing children. Since you, we are talking about serious relationship topics. I need you to remember that any life decisions, including children, will be for both of us. My parents failed and producing the perfect Jewish children, and I won't make that same mistake." I begin the conversation while tucking the bed corners. 

Maggie nods, but she focuses on arranging the pillows, not wanting to interrupt the flow of conversation. We both need to stay busy when having deep and meaningful talks. Part of our problem, in the beginning, was never finding the ability to keep still. I spend more time than strictly necessary for the 'hospital corners'. From what Maggie says her brother Declan doesn't have high standards when it comes to lodging. However, I feel its a small gesture to appreciate how this woman looks after me. Her space is still valuable and meaningful dispute our cohabitation. 

"I think any future children will benefit from both our experiences, including your secular skills. One of my biggest mistakes was believing that there is only one way to be Jewish. I will help you learn the tenets of the Jewish faith, and we focus on dating for now."

We exchange tender smiles as we both imagine the presence of children in this apartment or something like it. Our mutual career means that a desire for motherhood is something that we discuss regularly. Patients are more than curious about the personal life's of the doctors they become so familiar with, it was a mother to be that new Maggie wants children before Sydney does and that feels wrong somehow. At least I am managing to explain myself without getting her angry or defensive this time. It won't be the first or last times for such try things. 

"Hey Gigi, are you here?" 

Declan Lin strolls into the house as we move towards the doorway. He is carrying large bags of takeaways and a bottle of wine. His life as a waiter is coming in handy as delivers them onto the bench. Maggie races over to her twin before starting to plate up the dinner. I offer to leave them for a twin dinner, but neither of them will hear of it, and I allow myself to be caught in a conversation about music and the upcoming election. 

***

"I think I'll stay and Rebecca's for a while and then maybe look for an interim place to live." 

Its a sign of the progress we make that Maggie doesn't immediately stiffen at might suggestion. She does focus on the dishes with more strength than skill. I am drying the dishes and putting everything away. We fall into a comfortable routine after dinner with Declan. He is talking to their mother before heading to bed. I will head over to my sister's in a few hours. Both of us will be spending the night with our siblings. The notion makes me profoundly happy. 

"I think it will be better if we start dating without the complication of living together quite yet. There is plenty I still want to learn about you without falling into this conversation that brings up so many emotions. Maybe we can go to the movies and have a first or second date conversation in the real world."

"I don't think it is an either-or situation. We are both focusing on a career, as we proved during the last few weeks. We can avoid each other while having the same home base."

It would be so simple to back away from the conversation and embody two cliches, those about instant Orthodox families and the dreaded beliefs about how fast lesbians move in together. Taking care of Maggie and getting to know her strange collection of friends and colleagues is one of the great joys of my life. I don't think this pleasure will change if we continue in the same dance of advance and retreat. At the same time, as any counsellor worth that salt will tell you, new couples that are going to survive together need to be able to function as individuals. Orbiting each other by default with our jobs is not the same thing and doesn't make us any less fearful. Maggie cannot consider the prospect of building a serious life with me while eating my food and sharing a bathroom.

"and I'm not suggesting that I won't continue meeting you for lunch or worrying about you double shifts. When I ask you to move in with me or visa versa, I want it to be a deliberate action and not simply the result of me having a family crisis and needing shelter in the storm. I want to make a fuss over your birthday not cobble something together at the last minute..."

Maggie looks ready to leap to my defence over that one, even though I don't deserve the consideration. Instead, she gestures for me to sit on the newly made bed and grips my hand loosely. For most of my adult life, the concept of finding solace in another person is foreign to me. Yet from the moment Maggie strolled into that exam room late and beautiful, she provides that for me both in conscious and subconscious ways. The fact I no longer have to hide this reality is still taking some getting use to and why I need the breathing room. 

"Let's try things this way. We do the sibling and parent thing for the next week or so and I promise to ace my practicals. You and Samual will be busy helping Becca and getting ready for the next chemo round. However, you will still consider this place a respite if things get too contentious and fraught with your mother. The key won't change, and your shelf in the fridge will remain Kosher. We can be 'Roommate Adjacent' or something like that. If the term doesn't exist, we can make it." 


End file.
